Smile

In this section the idea is to lift you up if you’re feeling a bit down by sharing with you jokes and all kind of funny stuff! My hope is that you will enjoy this section and that you will visit often as there will be funny things added on a regular basis – Enjoy!

Great song to put you in the mood, if you do not like AC/DC dont open…..

 

I got robbed at the petrol station today. I called the cops and they asked if I knew who did it. I said, “Yes, pump number six.”

Girl: “Mom I’m pregnant…”
Mom: “Didn’t I tell you when a boy touches your boobs to say ‘don’t’ and when he touches your vagina to say ‘stop’?!” Girl: “I know but he was touching both so I kept saying ‘Don’t stop, don’t stop!'”

I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
“Somewhere I’ve not been in a long time.”
So I took her to the kitchen.
And then the fight started…

“It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,” Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, “Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?” “Probably that I married you for your money,” she replied.

A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.
“Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow. I don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients.” “Yes, sir!” – answers Seamus.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: “So, Seamus, how was your day?”

Seamus told him that he took care of three patients. “The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.” “Bravo, and the second one?” – asks the doctor.

“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Malox, sir.” – says Seamus.
“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” – asks the doctor.

“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a woman entered. Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything including her bra, her panties and lied down on the table. She spread her legs and shouted: “HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!” “Thunderin’ oh gosh, Seamus, what did ye do?” – asks the doctor. “I put drops in her eyes.”!!!!!

I was at the park flying my kite and this random guy came up to me and said, “You flying a kite?” I replied, “Nah, off course not, I’m fishing for birds!”

 

Experts predict that computers will one day replace paper altogether. They’ve obviously never tried wiping their arses with a laptop.

We are here on earth to do well unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.

She left him on the sofa when the phone rang, and was back in a few seconds.
“Who was it?” he asked. “My husband,” she replied. “I better get going,” he said. “Where was he?” “Relax. He’s downtown playing poker with you.”

I went to the doctor and he gave me 2 months to live. So I shot him. Judge give me 30 years.

I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side
My legs for always supporting me
And my fingers because I know I can always count on them

Husband wanted to call the hospital to ask about his pregnant wife but accidentally called the Cricket Stadium and asked “how is the situation”
He was shocked and nearly died with the reply
They said “it is fine 3 are out, hope to get another 7 out by lunch last one was a duck”

Dear alcohol… We had a deal where you would make me funnier, smarter and a better dancer… I saw the video… We need to talk..

MY PRIVATE PART DIED
An old man, Mr.. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,
‘Yes, Nurse Tracy ,’ said Mr. Wallace.
‘My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.’
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, ‘Oh, I’m so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.’
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.
He met Nurse Tracy.. ‘Mr. Wallace,’ she said,
‘You shouldn’t be walking down the hall like that.
Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.’
‘But, Nurse Tracy I can’t,’ replied Mr. Wallace.
‘I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.
‘Yes,’ said Nurse Tracy, ‘you did tell me that,
but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?’
‘Well,’ he replied, ‘Today is the viewing.’

 Fastest Man On Earth

Doctor to female patient: You are looking so weak & exhausted… Are you taking 3 meals a day as I had advised you? Female patient: “Oh my gosh“.. Your nurse wrote 3 Males a day!!…..

Dear alcohol… We had a deal where you would make me funnier, smarter and a better dancer… I saw the video… We need to talk..

A lot of people cry when they cut onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students: “Students, If you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom. Michael?” Michael: “Just a minute, I have to go pee.” Teacher: “That would be rude and impolite!!!

Teacher: “What about you Peter? How would you say it?”
Peter: “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I’ll be right back.”
Teacher: “That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you Little Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?”
Johnny: “I would say: ‘Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope you’ll get to meet after supper. ”
The teacher fainted

WELCOME TO THE 21ST CENTURY!

Our Phones Wireless

Cooking Fireless

Cars Keyless

Food Fatless

Tyres Tubeless

Tools Cordless

Dress Sleeveless

Youth Jobless

Leaders Shameless

Relationships Meaningless

Attitude Careless

Wives Fearless

Babies Fatherless

Feelings Heartless

Education Valueless

Children Mannerless

Government Useless

PARLIAMENT CLUELESS

MASSES HELPLESS

ME Speechless

Some Sad Shit But So true….

A guy in a plane stood up & shouted “HI JACK! All passengers got scared….From the other end of the plane a guy shouted back ” HI JOHN.

A body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says,
“What a Great Chest you have!”
He tells her, “That’s 100 kg’s of dynamite, Baby.”
He takes off his pants and the blonde says: “What massive calves you have!”
The body builder tells her, “That’s 100kgs of dynamite, baby.”
He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that. The blonde replies: “I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!

So I lost my job today at the zoo just because i left the gate to the lions cage open…I mean who would want to steal a lion what’s wrong with this manager?

Was feeling bored, so I decided to call the police. Me: Hello, Help
Police: what happened? Me: 4000 people are following me. Police: Calm down, where are you? Me: Facebook. Police: F*off idiot!!!!

How about a nice song to chear you up! Click the link below….

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, ‘Father, may I ask a favour?
‘Of course child. What may I do for you?’
‘Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I am afraid they will confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?
‘I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.’
“With your face, Father, no one will question you”
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked,
“Father, do you have anything to declare?”
“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”
“I have a marvellous Instrument designed to be used on a woman,
but which is, to date, unused.”
Roaring with laughter, the official said,
“Go ahead, Father.
Next Pls…”

Sick Leave….
I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted ‘Crazy’ then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who’s blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was ‘Crazy’ and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, “What the *&%@ are you doing?”
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, ‘You are clearly stressed out.’ Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.’
I jumped down and walked out of the office…
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, “And where do you think you’re going?!”
She said, ‘I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark!

Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife Darling, Honey, Love.” What’s the secret?” Old man: I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her!

Teacher: “Why do we drink water?”
Diane: “Because we can’t eat water, sir.”
Teacher: “How was your night Diane?”
Diane: “I don’t know sir becoz I was sleeping.”
Diane was expelled from school and went to look for job.
Boss: “I will pay you R5 000 per month then after 3 months I will increase it to R15 000. So when do you wanna start?” Diane: “After 3 months sir.”

A teacher asked her class “What is sex?” Johnny got up and said:

“Sex is a ​​ *temptation*, caused by a ​​ *sensation* ​

where a boy sticks his ​​ *location* into a girl’s ​​ *destination* ​​

to increase the ​​ *population* ​of the next ​​ *generation*​​.

Did you get my ​​ *explanation*​ ​? Or do you need a ​​ *demonstration* ​​?

The teacher fainted!

A thief entered a house in the afternoon he tied up the woman and showing knife point asked the man to hand over all the jewelleries and money. Man started sobbing and said “you can take anything you want but please untie the rope as she is my neighbour’s wife mine will arrive shortly”

Dear Facebook – Stop notifying me about birthdays am not selling cakes!

Hubby tells wife that he is leaving for a 3-day Church Conference

Wife: “Darling, let’s have a word of prayer before you go”
Hubby: “Of course, Yes.”
Wife: “Lord, grant my husband traveling mercies”
Hubby: “Amen”
Wife: “Father cause his manhood to stop working if he commits adultery”
Hubby: (silent)???

Wife: “Dear God, let him not return home alive after any adulterous acts”
Hubby: (starts to sweat)

Wife: “In fact Lord, kill him if…”
Hubby: “Oh shut up. I’m no longer going!”
Wife : AMEN